What if they made movies about futons… or did they?

If you need a little help picking out a film when you’re in the video store, here it is… Dave’s Classic Futon Movie Guide!

Jaws - An innocent summer day turns to horror when three friends attempt to move a sleeper sofa. One by one, each of them is devoured by the menacing beast. Eventually they decide to leave the sleeper behind and buy a futon instead. Classic line: “I think we need a bigger doorway.”

The Godfather – The saga of a father and his sons in the rough-and-tumble world of futon frame imports. In a dispute over end tables, the competition starts breaking legs. Before long, both sides go to the mattresses. It’s all-out war.

My Fair Lady – A fussy decorator tries to make over an old sofa with a slipcover. He gives up and buys a queen futon with two covers. Includes a great song, “The seams in queens fall mostly in between.”

The Odd Couple – In this lighthearted comedy, two single futons find themselves together in the same pad. Eventually, one of them returns home to his family, saying, “I have twins to support.”

On the Waterfront – Gritty story of dockworkers who fight over a container ship loaded with imported futon frames. Retailers wait anxiously for their merchandise, which has been delayed “on the water” for months. Eventually, the dispute is settled when it is decided to save time by damaging the futon frames before shipping them to the stores.

Apollo 13 – Three futon factory workers find themselves locked in a basement storeroom over the weekend. Whitney Houston plays the factory owner. In an unforgettable scene, the marooned workers reach her on the phone, saying, “Whitney, we have a problem.”

A Beautiful Mind – A genius becomes involved in Cold War intrigue when he is recruited to design furniture for the FBI. To his dismay, he later learns that it was all a delusion. In reality, he designed a futon for FBG.

Citizen Kane – The rags-to-riches story of a futon delivery boy who becomes a publishing magnate. In the opening scene, the aging tycoon dies alone at his palatial estate, Xanadu. The story unfolds as we explore the meaning of his dying words, “Cotton Bud.” If you know what it means, don’t give it away!

The Color Purple – Trials of a teenage girl who wants a purple futon cover. She goes from place to place, but she can never seem to find exactly the right shade.

The Dirty Dozen – When twelve futon mattresses are dropped behind enemy lines, the truck driver realizes that he accidentally left his rear door open. Desperate to save his job, he goes back to retrieve the missing merchandise. He finds the futons in the gutter, badly soiled, and realizes that many of them are beyond repair. Reluctantly, he must leave some of them behind.

From Here to Eternity – A futon mattress manufacturer is tormented by his desire to get in bed with his competitor’s best customer. He wants to extend his warranties, even though he knows that a price war is on the horizon. In desperation, he tries to find a new mattress design that can last longer.

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World – A group of determined treasure-seekers is attempting to buy futons cheaply on the Internet. The plan is foiled by local merchants, who refuse to reveal the names of their suppliers. In the end, everybody gets angry.

The Nutty Professor – Cute comedy about a college professor who just can’t decide about which futon to buy. Every time he seems to have decided, he good-naturedly goes home to measure or compare colors. When he returns to the store, he becomes surly and demanding. It’s as if he is two different people! At the end of the film, we see him heading home, once again, to measure.

Pinocchio – The story of a futon retailer who can never seem to pay his invoices on time. Whenever he says, “the check is in the mail,” his nose grows longer.

Star Wars – Competing futon cover manufacturers fight for domination in the celestial motifs, battling to see who can pack more moons and stars into their fabric designs. Plenty of swashbuckling light saber action in the cutting table sequence. In the final battle over background colors, “The Dark Side” prevails with navy blue.

The Way We Were - Bittersweet story of an aging hippie who looks back on her early days, selling homemade futons with her first husband in California. When the enterprising husband wants to add foam to the all-cotton futon mattresses, she realizes that their marriage cannot last. She moves east, leaving her husband and their futon shop behind.

Gone With the Wind – Epic saga of Scarlett O’Hara, and her struggle to keep Tara, her family’s cotton plantation. She struggles to hang on through war, through poverty, disease, and bad marriages. Why? Because she knows that someday the world will need cotton to fill its futons!

FL

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