Funny, that’s not the way I remember it…

I was going through some old things the other day and came across my old diary from years ago. Luckily, I found it at just the right time. I’d already been diligently cleaning up for over thirty minutes, so I was way overdue for a long and distracting break. I began reading the diary…”

December 2, 1979. Dear Diary: My business partner made another bone-headed move today. He decided to start selling futons in our store. What the hell is a futon, I asked him. He has no idea what a futon is, but they seem to be catching on in New York and Boston, so he thinks we ought to try selling them. He ordered one to put on display.

December 8, 1979. Dear Diary: Well, the futon arrived today. We know what it is now, it’s just a big floppy mattress filled with cotton. We had to move the display of macramé plant hangers to make room for it.

February 6, 1980. Dear Diary: We sold our first futon today, to a college student who just moved here from Boston. He doubled up the mattress and leaned it against the wall like an upside-down question mark. It was almost like a little sofa. That’s what everybody does with their futons at home, he told us, and that’s how we should show it in the store. Unfortunately, that wall is where the candles and incense holders are. There goes another display.

December 31, 1980. Dear Diary: I can’t believe it, the year is over, and we actually sold eighteen of those futons! At $93 each, it’s really adding up!

October 8, 1983. Oh Diary, another idiotic move from my partner. Now he wants to sell folding frames along with the futons. He bought a folding frame from a guy in Boston named Brouwer for $300. I think the bag-of-cotton-on-the-floor idea is working just fine, it’s simplicity itself. Who’d ever spend extra money for a frame? Insanity!

November 25, 1983. My partner lucked out again. We can’t keep those futon frames in stock, we’ve actually had to put customers on a waiting list.

May 16, 1985. Okay, I’ve got to admit it, futons have become a steady part of our business. My partner is buying almost fifteen futon mattresses every month from this little mattress factory he found in Buffalo. Plus, we’re buying the T.H.I.S. Frame like nobody’s business from a company called New Moon. My partner calls it a “bi-fold” frame and says it’ll really make futons look like regular furniture. This is turning into a real business!

July 20, 1985. Just when I thought he was getting sensible, my partner went crazy again. He went away to a weekend retreat with everybody else in the futon business. Seventeen people showed up. They think they can get some kind of “futon association” started. What a bunch of dopes.

March 8, 1986. Our mattress guys from Buffalo just dropped off a futon mattress with layers of foam inside. I thought the whole idea of a futon was that it’s simple and natural and filled with cotton. Those people at Otis Bedding have just got to face the facts: people won’t buy a futon mattress unless it’s filled with one hundred percent cotton.

May 10, 1986. I don’t know how they did it, but those dopey losers actually managed to organize a futon group, and they’ve named it the Futon Association of North America. I guess my partner isn’t the only determined knucklehead in the futon business. He just got back from the first official FANA conference on Cape Cod. How much do you want to bet that they’ll never have another meeting?

January 1, 1987. Dear Diary: Well, we got together for new Year’s Eve last night, and my partner really got on his soapbox about the future of futons. I’m actually getting concerned about him. He predicts that futons will be sold in every city, and that almost everybody, not just college kids, will own futons someday. Wait, there’s more. He also says that futons will be sold by Sears, J.C. Penney and K-Mart…not to mention other “bigger” stores we haven’t even heard of yet! What other stores could be bigger than Sears or K-Mart? He also predicts that futons will be produced by big names, like Sealy and Simmons and Serta.

I can see now that this will have to be the end of my diary. Clearly my partner has become obsessed and delusional over this whole futon thing.

I think it’s probably time to start phasing futons out of the store. Now that 1987 is here, this fad has probably run its course.

A note from Dave:

Actually, this “diary” is pretty close to the way I remember it, about 95% accurate I think. The “partner” is a composite of the two brothers who introduced me to futons in 1979, Bert & Mart Schlabach. They are long gone from the futon business, but they were among the pioneers who built up our industry.

FL

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