Is business slow? Dave’s sure-fire tricks to build retail traffic.

Most of my retailer customers are telling me that business is slow. I’ll bet the same thing is true for you, isn’t it? (That’s okay, you don’t have to say). I’ve been holding off on this, but I can see that the time has come. It is time for me to reach into my personal Bag of Tricks and share my Professional Trade Secrets with you. Shhh — come closer — are you ready? Here’s how to improve your store traffic.

1. Start the vacuum cleaner
This is the simplest, most sure-fire way to build your store traffic at any given moment. Vacuuming is your first line of defense when traffic disappears. Why— who knows? As soon as the annoying whine reaches its height, that’s when the phone starts ringing (which you won’t hear anyhow, so forget about it) and the front door starts opening. If you haven’t tried vacuuming yet, believe me, it’s your first line of defense. Plus, if you haven’t been doing this, your store is probably really filthy!

2. Use the step ladder
After vacuuming, this is the next sure-fire idea in your traffic-building campaign. This is a powerful tool, so I suggest trying it one step (ahem) at a time. Only proceed to the next step if you are still not getting any traffic.

A. Set up a step ladder inside the store.
B. Still nothing? Climb up on the step ladder.
C. Still nothing? Move the ladder so that it completely blocks the entrance of the store.
D. Still nothing? Climb up on the step ladder again.
E. Still nothing? Go higher, up to the top step if necessary.
F. This is it. Now start doing something. Use both hands! If you don’t get traffic now (or at least a phone call) you’ve got serious problems. Proceed to the next idea.

3. Order a hot lunch
After that step ladder workout, you deserve a big lunch. Order now, and things should get busy as soon as you take the first bite.

4. Try to have a private and sensitive conversation in the store
Your store is quiet and uncrowded, so why not invite someone over for an intimate conversation. After all, if it’s that quiet, your store is the perfect place for privacy. Naturally, because it would be extremely embarrassing to have customers overhear your discussion, this is the most effective way to draw them into your store. I leave the discussion topic to you, but here are some suggestions that are sure to draw a crowd of eavesdroppers: your pending divorce; the bank is calling your loan; the landlord is demanding the rent; embarrassing family secrets — you get the idea.

5. Lose your staff
Some of the busiest retailers I know are short-staffed. "Dave," they shout into the phone, "I can’t talk now, it’s absolutely crazy here! I’ve got two people out sick, one on vacation, and I’ve gotta go out on deliveries tonight. Wouldn’t you know it, this oughta be our slow time, but we’ve never had so much business. I can’t keep up!"

6. Schedule a vacation
Okay, now we’re getting to the heavy artillery. You and your spouse have been dreaming about getting away for some time, haven’t you? Consider the positive effect on your business if you book a long and elaborate vacation. This goes without saying, but it should be expensive and non-cancelable.

7. Lock the front door
Have you ever noticed how (even on a slow day) customers will show up at closing time, at the time when you’re dying to get out of there? There’s something about a locked door that invites an eager tug from a customer. Go ahead, try it! Lock the front door now. What have you got to lose?

8. Go out of business
It’s inevitable that you’ll start to think about Going Out of Business (especially if you followed my advice and started locking the front door—one thing leads to another). I can tell you this, nothing will improve your business like going out of business! Once those GOING OUT OF BUSINESS banners go up, you won’t believe the number of eager buyers crowding into your store!

At this point, you may even start to think that you’ve finally got the idea, you know how to be successful now. You think that you’ll keep the store open after all. Sure! Now you can go back to the way it used to be. You can stop vacuuming, put away the step ladder, skip lunch, forget about the vacation— hey, wait a minute.

FL

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