New Year's Resolutions

Did you make any resolutions this year? I don’t know about you, but they usually don’t work out for me. Here are the ones I’ve already broken this year, in order:

1. Drinking and talking don’t mix, so avoid both. Broken on January 1st. The New Year had begun only seconds earlier when I broke my first resolution. I would have messed up earlier but I had to wait for the cheering and kissing to die down before resuming the long and pointless story I was telling to three people I’d trapped in the corner of a New Year’s Eve party.

2. Avoid rich foods and lose some weight. Broken on January 1st. Same party,
different resolution.

3. Get up earlier every morning and accomplish more. Broken on January 1st. After staying up late at the New Year’s Eve party, this resolution never had a chance. After all that drinking and talking and late night partying, I got out of bed three hours later than usual. Well, you’re saying, what about the rest of the year? Dave, you can still begin getting up earlier every day! Sorry…once the resolution is broken, I’m off the hook for the whole year. That’s my policy!

4. Spend more quality time with my family and friends. Broken on January 1st. I was just sitting down to brunch–that is, a bowl of Fruit Loops & coffee–in front of the TV at two in the afternoon, when the phone rang.

“Uncle Dave, we thought you’d be here by now! Are you coming?”

Oops. Family open house.

“Uh, gee, sorry sweetheart, I don’t think we’ll be coming. Carol isn’t feeling
well today.”

5. Stop using my wife as an excuse for things I don’t want to do. Broken on January 1st. See above. I killed two resolutions with one phone call. I purged my guilt by eating two brownies after the Fruit Loops.

Well, that was the weekend, but I still had another chance. A few days later, I began chipping away at my work-related resolutions.

1. Show up punctually for every appointment. Broken on January 5th. Wouldn’t you think, for my first appointment of the year, that I could show up on time? I was 25 minutes late. I didn’t call because the phone number was in the trunk and traffic was heavy. That was my story and I was sticking to it.

2. Remember the names of people I meet. Broken on January 5th. Same appointment.
“Dave, say hello to our new store manager, __________.”

I would print the name here if I could remember it. Not only did I forget it right away, but after I worked up the courage to ask her to repeat her name five minutes later, I immediately forgot it again.

3. Bring everything I need with me to appointments. Broken on January 5th. Same appointment. It would’ve been smart to bring along the catalog and price list for the product line I was there to discuss. Instead, I left it on the kitchen counter at home.
“You know,” I explained to them, “I’ve been after the factory to send me this catalog. There’s somebody new in the office and she just doesn’t follow through.”

4. Stop using the factory as a scapegoat for my mistakes. Broken on January 5th. Once again, I killed two resolutions by uttering a single sentence. I purged my guilt by stopping for ice cream afterwards.

5. Learn the details of every product line I sell. Broken on January 5th. Having forgotten the catalog and price list, in-depth knowledge of the product line sure would’ve saved the day. Instead, we rescheduled the appointment. That’s okay, it’s only a three-hour drive.

6. Get things done on time. Broken today. This Futon Life column was due two weeks ago. After weeks of stalling, the only thing I could come up with was this lame rendition of broken New Year’s resolutions. You know, I should make a resolution to come up with better ideas for this column.

Well, there’s always next year.

FL