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THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
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by Dave Garretson
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 Dave's Mail Bag
Boy, the mail sure piles up around here! It’s probably because I’ve been writing this column for eight years but I haven’t answered a single letter yet. Well, better late than never. Let’s see what people are saying in their letters.
Dear Dave,
We recently moved into a new apartment. We want to reassemble our futon frame but we can’t find the hardware. What should we do?
Dave’s reply: Call a nearby futon store on Saturday afternoon and insist they help you at once. They love getting this call, really! If you don’t know what model you have, how old it is or where you bought it, even better. If they say they can’t help you without this information, that’s just their way of inviting you to visit in person and be more persistent. Point to any futon in their showroom and say, “It’s exactly like this one, sort of! Give me free hardware immediately!”
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Dear Dave,
Your column really sucks. You can tell the publisher not to bother putting any advertising on the same page, because I tear out your column before reading the magazine. I can’t be the only one!
Dave’s reply: I understand that many people use my page to line their bird cages or litter trays. If you have a creative use to share with our readers, please be sure to let me know!
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Dear Dave,
You’ve probably heard the theory that a room filled with thousands of monkeys and typewriters would eventually duplicate one of Shakespeare’s sonnets. How many monkeys would it take to duplicate your column?
Dave’s reply: So far we’ve been getting by with one monkey.
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Dear Dave,
Is it just me, or is your column printed on a
different type of paper or ink than the rest of the magazine? It smells funny.
Dave’s reply: You’re very perceptive. My writing is always highly amusing when it leaves my mind but often loses some of its appeal along the way. That’s why the publisher uses a special humor-enhancing ink to help restore my column’s natural comedic content. If the printer forgets, which has happened on occasion, it results in a column that seems serious, or even worse, pathetic. Two years ago, the special ink was accidentally applied to the Hot Covers page. Nobody could put their finger on it, but everybody agreed that the fabrics looked “funny.”
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Dear Dave,
I’m thinking about opening a futon store. What advice can you give me? Our town has only two futon stores now, so I’m sure there’s room for another.
Dave’s reply: Don’t overlook psychological counseling as a component of your business plan. If you don’t need it now, you’ll need it eventually, because this business can make you nuts.
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Dear Dave,
Business has been leveling off in our futon store and we’ve been thinking about adding something new. Any ideas?
Dave’s reply: Have you thought about a neon sign?
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Dear Dave,
I’m working on a homework assignment for Futonology 101. I need to know what you think was your best column and your worst column?
Dave’s reply: I get this question all the time from aspiring futon students. Both columns are online if you care to read them. My favorite was published in the Spring 2002 issue. My least favorite was in Winter 2000, when that darn printer used the wrong ink again!
What about this time? Does this page smell funny to you?
FL
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