THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
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by Dave Garretson
“The Futon Phrase Book”
Last time we were together we looked at the futon dictionary. Now, for those who wish to pursue their studies, I present the futon phrasebook.
Now you will be able to converse with customers and suppliers, and for the first time you can actually understand what they are saying to you… It will be almost as if you are speaking the same language!
Things customers say to futon store owners:
“Just looking!” Means I am afraid of salespeople. Please leave me alone or I might cry.
“Just down the street.” Phrase used by college students to describe the location of their 4th floor walk-up apartment, which is sixteen blocks away in a no parking zone and they want free delivery in twenty minutes.
“I’ll come back with my husband.” What women say when they are too polite to laugh at your price themselves.
“I’ll have to go home and measure.” What people say when they suspect that their room is too small to fit around your futon.
“I don’t want to spend a lot of money on futon.” Means I don’t know anything about the futon product I am buying, and I’m afraid to admit it.
“My wife is the one with questions, not me.” Means I may look like a grown man, but I am afraid of salespeople. Humor me by explaining this product to my wife in a way that I can understand.
“I’m sure this futon will fit in my van.” What customers say when their vehicle is full of passengers, groceries and old junk.
“Will you sell the futon mattress without the frame?” What customers say when their discount store futon mattress is completely flat but the frame didn’t break yet.
“Is this your best price?” Means I thought I should ask something and this was the best question I could come up with.
“Will you accept a personal check?” It’s almost closing time and you look desperate to make a sale, even if my check is worthless.
Things manufacturers say to futon store owners:
“This futon frame is made from a 100 percent Malaysian medium oak like hardwood.” What factory reps say when they have absolutely no idea what wood the futon frame is made from.
“You say the check is in the mail?” What credit managers say when they are struggling to keep a straight face.
“That’s a new one on me. You are the very first one to complain about that.” Apparently you haven’t heard about the pending class action law suit.
“Our web site is strictly for the trade.” The trade of merchandise for money.
“We are very selective about opening new retail accounts.” We tried to sell to your competitor across the street, and if they ever return our phone call, we still might.
“Hi, this is just a friendly reminder.” The bombers are in the air.